The completely unnecessary corporate history of Darlingss.

HOW IT ALL WENT WRONG?

An internal investigation nobody requested.

Names have not been changed because everyone is still employed.

PISTACHIO BOSS — The Man Who Approved It

Chief Executive Officer

HR presented the restructuring plan.

The Boss approved it in under three minutes.

He later described this as:

“Decisive leadership.”

It is now considered the first documented management failure in company history.

RASPBERRY HR — The Original Mistake

Head of HR

We had a perfectly good traditional dessert.

Then Raspberry HR looked at it and said:

“This needs restructuring.”

Nobody knew what that meant.

Unfortunately, she did.

She modernized it, reorganized it, gave it a personality and somehow convinced everyone that this required a team.

COCOA CREAM SALES — Revenue Before Product

Head of Sales

HR hired Sales because every company needs revenue.

Cocoa Cream Sales started selling immediately.
Unfortunately, Operations did not exist yet.
Neither did Finance.

He sold things the company had not technically figured out how to deliver.

HAZELNUT CFO — Someone Finally Asked About Money

Chief Financial Officer

At this point, invoices started arriving.

Management reacted responsibly and hired a CFO.

Hazelnut CFO built seventeen spreadsheets, three forecasts and one cash-flow model proving that everything was completely under control.

It was not.

SOUR CHERRY MARKETING — The Problem Gets a Logo

Head of Marketing

Sales complained that he needed more leads.
HR hired Marketing.

Sour Cherry Marketing decided the problem was not the product.
The problem was that the product did not have enough personality.

This was the moment the dumplings started receiving job titles.

COCONUT CREATIVE — Nobody Asked for a Rebrand

Creative Director

Marketing said the company needed a stronger visual identity.

Coconut Creative redesigned everything.
Then redesigned the redesign.
Then created a mood board explaining why the first redesign had been emotionally necessary.

The dessert remained delicious. Nobody was sure what colour the logo was anymore.

WILD STRAWBERRY PR — Nothing Is a Crisis If You Call It a Story

Head of Public Relations

Creative attracted attention.
Marketing attracted even more attention.
Eventually, someone had to explain all of it.

Wild Strawberry PR was hired.

Her official policy:
There are no mistakes.
Only unexpected storytelling opportunities.

Darlingss.

Probably Austria’s worst-run company.
Definitely its best dessert.

CARAMEL OPERATIONS — Process Arrives

Chief Operating Officer

Finance discovered that Sales was promising things nobody knew how to produce efficiently.

So Caramel Operations was hired to create structure.

He introduced procedures, checklists, workflows and a workflow for approving new workflows.

Efficiency improved immediately. Nobody had time to notice.

APRICOT ADMIN — Paperwork Becomes Self-Aware

Administration

Operations generated paperwork.

A lot of paperwork.

Apricot Admin was hired to organise it.

Within three weeks, every form had a number, every number had a form and every meeting had minutes explaining why another meeting was necessary.

She remains the only person who knows where anything is.

DARK RASPBERRY IT — “Have You Tried Turning the Company Off and On Again?”

IT Support

Administration bought software.

Nobody knew how to use it.

Dark Raspberry IT was called in.

He migrated the entire company to a new system on a Friday evening.

Nobody has successfully logged in since Monday.

WALNUT LAWYER — Legal Gets Involved

General Counsel

After several Sales promises, Marketing claims and one unexplained IT incident, management decided the company needed a lawyer.

Walnut Lawyer reviewed the situation.

His first recommendation was:

“Please stop putting things in writing.”

Nobody did.

TRIPLE CHOCOLATE CHAIRMAN — Governance

Chairman of the Board

Legal suggested stronger corporate governance.

Management interpreted this as:
“We need a Chairman.”

Triple Chocolate Chairman was appointed immediately.

He introduced board meetings, board committees and pre-meetings to prepare for board meetings.

The company finally looked extremely well managed.

It still wasn't.

ALMOND CONSULTANT — The PowerPoint Era

External Consultant

The Chairman felt the organisation needed an outside perspective.

Almond Consultant arrived with a laptop and the phrase:

“I’ve identified several opportunities for optimisation.”

Eighty-four slides later, the company discovered that it needed more focus, greater agility and another consultant.

PLUM ADVISOR — Advice About the Advice

Senior Advisor

The Consultant recommended bringing in an experienced Advisor to help implement the Consultant’s recommendations.

Plum Advisor carefully reviewed the strategy.

His conclusion:

“We should proceed cautiously.”

Management immediately accelerated expansion.

ORANGE INTERN — The Only Sane Person

Intern

By now, salaries were getting expensive.

HR proposed a cost-effective solution:

an intern.

Orange Intern joined the company and immediately began asking extremely reasonable questions.

Nobody had heard questions like these before.

He was told he was still learning.

DATE WELLNESS OFFICER — Everyone Is Exhausted

Wellness Officer

After months of restructuring, meetings, campaigns, strategy sessions and system updates, employee morale began to decline.

HR solved the problem by hiring a Wellness Officer.

Date Wellness introduced mindfulness, hydration and compulsory relaxation workshops.

The workshops are currently scheduled during the busiest part of the day.

DUBAI INVESTOR — What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Strategic Investor

Eventually, the CFO showed the Chairman the growth projections.

The Chairman showed them to Dubai Investor.

Dubai Investor looked at seventeen flavours, seventeen employees and an organisation nobody could explain.

He asked one question:

“How fast can we scale this?”

Nobody had the courage to answer honestly.

So naturally, he invested.

Seventeen employees later, nobody knows who reports to whom, HR insists everything is going according to plan, and the original traditional dessert is barely recognizable.

Fortunately, it tastes much better now.